At Corners

Goodbyes and New Beginnings

2008-12-06T09:48:00.000-08:00

This will be the last article that I will be posting At Corners. As many of you now know, I recently got married. There is a part of me that says that I shouldn't base my entire existense on my marriage, but fact is, it really becomes a big part of you.

I can no longer be thinking by myself At Corners. The truth is my now husband has always been a major part of things big and small, normal, unusual, eventful, irrelevant or important in my life. The difference now is that it is official. Because of that I have decided to leave the comforts of

my corners and look at new perspectives with him as his wife. Most especially that his line of work will greatly change a part of my life in a more international way. So I hope that I will have more interesting things to write about.

Thus a new beginning. In respect to blogspot who has been great in hosting At Corners, just watch out for my announcement in Friendster or in some other way about the "move". As for everyone, aside from my Mom who has avidly reading my blog, thanks for the time and the comments. For now this will be the last entry posted At Corners.

On Personalities & Degrees

2008-11-12T06:58:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine mentioned Cris Vilionco (sic) a few days ago. So I remembered I saw her on TV months ago as a guest on a talk show about personalities who studied abroad. That was where I found out that she went to the other side of the earth, to waste thousands of money, to study stage performance. I told my friend it really disappoints me when people who have money waste it to get a degree on things they don’t need to. Okay I understand that we should go where our happiness is, I just don’t get those who choose to learn to perfect skills that either doesn’t work for them, nor do they need.

In fairness to Ms. Vilionco, my problem with her pursuing theatre arts abroad is that I really think she’s a smart (not just talented) individual. She mentioned in the show, that (although she is the granddaughter of Armida Seguin Reyna), she also came from a family of lawyers. So why not tackle law? Which I believe is more challenging. As for theatre arts, I'm not saying it's not a cerebral craft, I just think it wasn’t necessary for her to waste tuition on something she could learn and practice here. Not to mention the easy exposures she could get given her background and connections.

Another example is KC Concepcion. When news of her moving to Paris broke, I was impressed because I thought she was going to study at Cordon Bleu, fine arts, or maybe cultural diversity…but no… With all the hype on her these days, I was forced to watch a profile on her the other day (given that next to Manny Pacqiao, she is everywhere). The show went on and on about how versatile she is, how natural her talents are, and how genes contribute to her skills. So what was the use of studying in Paris to learn Performing Arts, when apparently she’s so naturally blessed? Again, these are things she could’ve learned here; or yes, maybe in Paris, but getting a degree on it wasn’t necessary.

And then there’s Angel Locsin. I saw an interview of her where she was asked about money matters. According to her, she spent all her savings studying “fashion design” in London. Her newly acquired skills were even incorporated in her teleserye with Piolo Pascual where she worked her way up in a Fashion enterprise of some sort, fulfilling her life-long dreams of being a designer. Did I mention that as all this happens, her character turns into a dog once in a while in the show? First of all, if you’re going to study fashion, wouldn’t you go to Paris or Milan? When did London become a fashion capital? Ms. Locsin’s fashion sense isn’t that unique either, if anything she usually wears what all the other “artistas” wear. If Jolina Magdangal were reported to study design, I wouldn’t be surprised because she has always been a trend setter in the Philippines, at times a bold and eccentric one too. But Angel Locsin? And after wasting all the money she made from GMA, her fashion sense never really changed anyway. Jolina Magdangal already has her own clothing line (w/o going anywhere); Angel Locsin doesn’t even endorse any brands. Except for Lee, popular for its jeans, trendy huh?But at least she gave the writer's at Lobo inspiration to go on.

Call me bitter, I admit. It is their money after all. Judy Ann Santos learned to cook, which I understand. She probably wants to have a skill she can use long after her fame has faded. Joyce Jimenez used her sexy image to start her lingerie business, but she didn't learn fashion design, she studied business. A field of study not everyone can't just learn or be talented at. So why not think that way?

As I write, I think about my friends who studied Literature, Dance, and History; my friends who chose to study a degree on happiness or passion over more in demand courses such as Medicine or Law. I must admit that if you ask me, if I were as smart as these friends of mine, I'd think of what a great doctor or lawyer I could be and leave poems and dancing shoes as a hobby, However, they are not as rich as the people as I have mentioned, and some of them only have one chance, eventually they have to find a job to support themselves. And if they choose to pursue a career on what they studied they will have to fight their way through, not as easy as being born to it. So I understand the chance they take (to some of them it wasn't even taking a chance, but a firm decision).

I just can't help but get frustrated at how they take for granted the opportunities given to them; when all around them are people who work, sweat and blood, just so they can get a degree. And to study something that is already so easy for them to attain, something apparently already natural to them, or worst something they don't need. Or in Angel's case, they are not even good at.

Least Favorite Team in the Amazing Race Asia 3

2008-10-25T22:32:00.000-07:00

I was supposed to be writing about how much I don’t like team Philippines in the Amazing Race Asia 3. Geoff and Tisha are the kind of people I will not make friends with; their both conyo (sic), Geoff has the sense of humor of an eight-year-old brat, and Tisha

is absolutely vain (and I mean retouch, every chance she gets). In the previous legs it was just snide remarks here and there, mostly it was just to them, but despite their attempts to keep their true selves private, it still surfaces. This is why the “very boyish” Singaporean team and Malaysian siblings absolutely despise them. But in the most recent episode their meanness really showed. I must admit, that it was smart of them to ask passengers to switch ferry rides tickets with which leaves five minutes earlier than all the other teams. But as they were getting on the ferry, they both chant “see ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya”. I mean what is that? I thought it was so pompous of them to have to say things like that.

The clincher in that episode was when they yielded Bernie and Henrie, which as expected did not take so well. My question is why did they opt to yield those Malaysians anyway? The Hong Kong boys didn’t do it, simply because they already had a strong lead. According to the couple, it is a competition and it’s all part of it, but like the Hong Kong boys, they also had minutes ahead of the Henri and Bernie, so why be ruthless?

Okay, I did say I was supposed to… See Jojo says that it is a game after all, that they didn’t do anything wrong or break any rules. Also that I should support them, since they are the Philippine team and that you should love your own. It was also so generous of them for leaving money for the other Malaysian team (who had to give up all their pocket money for being in last place). So that is why I shouldn’t be writing about why I don’t like them. And that’s about all the reason why.

And like what I said to him, I don’t think Marc and Rovilson were this mean in season two, in fact they were really nice, smart, gentlemen, which made me feel good that they were Filipinos. As for Tisha and Geoff, I’d rather be unpatriotic and considered to have betrayed my kind, than be associated with pompous, ruthless, and unfriendly people. I hope they get eliminated soon.

Money Talks

2008-10-18T11:38:00.000-07:00

My mom and I love to talk to each other. There are times when we stay up as late as three in the morning just talking about things; family, situations, sometimes things that we have or are going through in life.

These days it’s mostly about money and the lack of it and the future. But we agree that unlike to some people, the former is not a big deal. I remember there was a time in the past when I would wake her up and ask her why she didn’t wake us up for school. She would apologize and say that we don’t have enough money for fare and lunch money so my brother and I are going to have to miss our classes that day. And even after she got a stable job, we always had to tighten our belts because we only had enough for tuition and the basics. This is also why I got into th

e call center industry so I can help out with my tuition. And as my mother would tell you, I was getting good pay working so our lifestyle went up a notch. I gained 30 lbs. because for the first time in my life, I could eat whatever I wanted, when I want it. This is why I say that our money problems now are not that bad. We’ve been through worst. Now that my brother and I can work and help her out; according to my mom, she’s just trying to fix some lose end.

Anyway, another thing my mom and I agree on is that compared to other people we’re doing just fine. Although it may sound like sour grapping, at least I’m healthy (cancer –free, it’s scar

y how people from all walks of life are diagnosed with cancer these days), or that I learned not to be materialistic, and most importantly I know how to value hard-work. And to me, it’s really just money.

A friend of mine jokingly said a few days ago that I was probably destined to be poor the rest of my life. And seriously thinking, I really don’t mind. Okay maybe not street rat poor, just not filthy rich. I’m the kind of person who would get scared if I won the lottery, simply because I would think that would be God telling me, He doesn’t care about me so I can just spend the rest of my life being easy. Because it’s true what they

say that you cannot appreciate a good thing without having a glimpse of the bad. And if I don’t have to worry about anything, and everything would be at my grasp, then life would be boring and pass me by. It’s not that I want problems all the time, but I now know that shit happens, and it happens often (in my life it is constant), but I don’t want to forget to appreciate the small things just because everything else is easier.

I have a new job, and as you might guess it doesn’t pay that well compared to what I made during my sting as a call center agent. But I can’t help but have a feeling of pride that now

I can finally start something I have always wanted to do. It’s not big shot writer, but it involves writing, and I understand the value of my work, also that it requires me to use my brain even just a little. Besides when I had lots of money, all I did was gluttonously eat, and sleep. And in the three months that I was unemployed, made me realize that it is not important how much you make; it’s really what you do, or the thought that you are doing something that makes you happy, that’s important.

Solicitude/Empathy/Consideration

2008-10-09T23:39:00.000-07:00

One of the biggest things that tick me off in life are people who have no concern of their surroundings. Especially here in our country, I think that many Filipinos have the talent to be completely unaware of other people when in public. I find it irritating because in Metro Manila alone, there are almost a million people already. Our population I believe is the cause of a number of problems like poverty, hunger, and health issues. But there are also the ones the we go through in a daily basis: traffic, long lines, cramped train rides during rush hour, processes that take forever, and did you know that I once was refused entrance to a bank because as the guard explained there were already enough people in the room, enough for the tellers to tend to until they close at 3 pm (and this happened at around 11 am). My point is, where we are there are always people, so it baffles me how some people tend to act as if they are the only person existing, when there are so many others around them everywhere.

I've been wanting to write about this for a long time now, but I guess it irritates me just remembering them that I always just think about something else. Plus I wanted to take pictures of some them, so I can show that these unemphatic humans can be found everywhere I go. (I don't have much to show right now, but I promise to collect more in the future).
Anyway, I made a list of the top things I hate people do in public. Some of the items in the list may not be irritating to some people, but I will try to justify myself as best as I can for putting it on my list.
10. People who come to close when you're using the ATM, or doing business over the counter.
- You know those people who can practically peep at your pin code because they are standing to close behind you? Some of them actually do, which is seriously rude, except if you're a robber. Another example happened yesterday while I was paying our electric bill. There was a big red line about a step away from the counter, while I was waiting for my turn I waited behind that line to give the woman in front of me some space while she pays her bills. When it was my turn, the woman behind me also stepped across the line standing so close her nose could actually touch my back. And as expected, she kept peeking over my shoulder as I was paying, I turned to give her a "do you mind?" look, and she just gave me this impatient smile.
9. People who take so long ordering in a fast food restaurant, when there's a long line behind them.
- Most fast food chains use the combo system, in which one would usually just have to pick a number or say, "Cheeseburger Meal please". And if you were in that same long line one would think that you've had ample time to consider what you're having minutes ago, or most probably on the way to the store. I encounter this all the time, but what I hate are the office yuppies who take their time during 12nn; as if they are the only ones taking their lunch break. This also goes to hotshots who also find time to hold a meeting during lunch rush in the canteen or in fast food chain, other people really deserve to get a chance to eat too. I suggest they go get reservations in a fancier restaurant.
8. People who eat so loudly
- I once rode a jeepney with a grown woman who was eating a candy like a five-year-old. She was making this "tsmp, tsmp, tsmp, ..."sound as she was sucking on the candy. And evertime she does, she would widely open her mouth for everyone to see the candy coloring the insides of her mouth red.
7. People who actually cut lines.
- This usually happens to me as I come off the train, you know when you go through the slots that take your pass. Also when entering a mall and having your bags checked for inspections. Kids I can understand, but adults who seem to think that there's a price if you get in the mall first. Usually these are the same persons who also don't open their bags before entering, so not only do they cut the line, they also disrupts its flow in the process.
6. People or groups of people who like to block the way.
- I must say that this is something that I see a lot, that everytime I go to the mall, I find them. There are places where you can find a minute of more to chat, or if you can't find one, step aside and don't do it in the middle of the way. Just yesterday, on way out of Trinoma, from far away I could see the flow of the crowd parting as the get to a certain a point; and sure enough you will find a group of ladies, happily chatting along. So I took their picture, I knew one of them saw what I did, but I really don't care.
5. Couples who walk so slowly in a busy narrow pathway.
- I know how it is to be in love, but that still doesn't give you an excuse to bother other people. Sometimes it is okay to be walking loungingly with arms across each other, while hip to hip; but to do it in a narrow alley in quiapo...on a Friday? I have template that I say when I am behind such lovers that I learned fro my brother, I say, "Sana bilisan natin para sumaya tayong lahat."
4. People who can't follow simple instructions.
- I really don't think that it doesn't take a genius to understand," exact change only on this counter", or common signs like "NO SMOKING", or "Loading/Unloading". And did you know that in Queazon City there is a city ordinance that prohibits using cellphones inside a bank or in a close radius of a gas station? I was in a line in a bank and on the counter in front of us was a big sign that suggested refraining from using ones cellphone and a framed copy of the city ordinance I just mentioned. The woman in front of me was chatting to her friend and all the while she was looking directly at the ordinance. After about 30 seconds she pulls out her phone started to text away, she was complaining that their other friend was going to be late as she read on the message, and suggesting to her other friend that they ditch him or her while replying back something else, I'm not sure. So I tapped her shoulders and pointed at the copy of the ordinance. She raised her eyebrows at me, but she slowly put her phone back in her pocket.
3. Impossible people in a public form of transport.
- These include: a) people who sit an a jeepney or an fx like they would in their living room. b)people who sleep in a jeep or fx like they would in their bedroom.c)people who lean on the rails in the train during rush hour. d)people who insist on standing by the door, can't wait to get in a train as people who are alighting. e)people who loudly complain that it's hot and cramped inside a train, jeep, or bus. Etc... And I'm sure you'd agree to the time honored advise we should give to people who choose to act this way in a public form of transport, and that is that they take a cab.
2. Inconsiderate people in a public form of transport.
- This especially goes out to individuals who choose not to give-up their seats to people who needs it more than they would like the elderly, children, someone disabled, or pregnant women. One time an old lady and a little girl got into a jeepney I was in. Either the driver was really greedy or he thought there were still available seats, anyway he started to drive on even while the two still haven't had found anywhere to sit. Some women were already asking the driver to stop, but by that time that he did, I couldn't believe why the men in the jeep wouldn't just give their seats up. So I got off and as I was coming out, I said, "Lola upo na po kayo, baba na lang ako, nakakahiya naman sa mga lalaki dito eh." It wasn't that I wanted to help the lady, I just couldn't stand being in the same jeep as those lazy, disrespectful men. (This may sound a bit double standard, but in that case, I'm sure those men could just hang from the jeepney, right?Kung pwede lang ako yung sumabit.)
There are also unique cases like when my mom encountered this girl who she said just suddenly leaned on her shoulders as they were standing in the MRT. She said the girl looked like she was in shock or something, so she asked for anyone who could lend the girl their seat. Luckily a guy stood up and I think the girl snapped out of it eventually.
1. Women who make you eat their hair.
- This is personal, one might say that I'm just over-reacting when it comes to this, but I really think there should be a law against girls who let their hair fly inside a jeepney. I, as a citizen should be able to complain if the girl sitting beside me doesn't even have the sense to at least hold on to their hair, which makes it brush all over my face. Who wants to eat someone else's hair? I also sometimes encounter girls who talk like their in a shampoo commercial all the time. The ones who keep flipping their hair after every sentence they say. This one girl I was in the FX with was just like that, I was trying to hold my temper when her habit made her hair brush on top of a Snickers bar I was eating. That was the final straw so I abruptly turned away from her and accidentally shoved her with my elbow. I guess it really hurt so she confronted me, asked me what my problem was, so I explained and tried to mimic how she talked, with exageration of course. Everyone in the fx laughed at my portrayal of her;embarassed, she asked and driver to pull over and got off with her friend.
The word solicitude means an attitude expressing excessive attentiveness; care or concern, as for the well-being of another; it can also mean anxiety, but it also means concern. If we all can be a even a little bit considerate of the people around us when outside, I believe we can contribute a small amount of comfort from all the daily set-backs we encounter everyday. Or atleast lessen the stress it brings. Think of how fast things would be if people line up properly, how it wouldn't be so much trouble to hold on to a train's safety hand rail without having your hand squished by someone's sweaty back, how organized everything would be if all learned to follow simple regulations.
My mom calls it manners, my friend says it requires education, I think it just needs a little understanding. Understanding that we are co-existing with "other people"; in your house you can do it whatever you feel like doing but when outside, no matter how in a hurry you are, or how shinny your hair is, it doesn't exempt you from being too self-absorbed. All you have to do is be considerate of other people around you. It's not that hard to do.

The Book Thief

2008-09-28T11:16:00.001-07:00

I just finished reading The Book Thief by Markus Zusak, and it is a really good book. I didn’t have the budget to purchase it when I first came across it, so I decided to just come back for it when I do.

And that took about almost a year.You know how you sometimes can’t find something you want when you can buy it; and when you don’t have the money, you see it everywhere? That’s how it was for me and The Book Thief. So when I was finally able to get a copy, I was afraid that I might not like it, and find myself saying “all that wait for nothing”. But the wait was definitely worth it because as I said, it is a really good book.

The Book Thief is about an orphan girl who lived at the peak of Hitler’s reign in Germany. When she is adopted by an old couple who lives in a poor neighborhood on Himmel Street, she comes of age amidst the war, and in the process discovers her love for reading and how it changes her life and her perspective of it. I liked the book because it is as a whole well-written. It isn’t just the story, or the characters, or that I have always been interested with tales related to the Holocaust, the book was written in a very unique way, different from the usual novels.

My most favorite thing about the book is that it is narrated by Death. And as mentioned in the book, Death in the story is not the usual skeletor in a hooded robe carrying his scythe. In the book, Death has been jaded by the dark cloud that comes with his occupation. Especially because of the war.

“To me, the war is like the new boss who expects the impossible. He stands over your shoulder repeating one thing incessantly: ‘Get it done, get it done.’ So you work harder. You get the job done. The boss however, does not thank you. He asks for more.”

As I understood it, because of the heaviness due to the magnitude of people dying, Death’s attention was caught by Liesel, a left-over human, a survivor, as he would

call her; her fascination with words gave him the distraction he needed from the heaviness of the workload that the war brought.

“They're the ones I can't stand to look at, although on many occasions I still fail. I deliberately seek out the colors to keep my mind off them, but now and then, I witness the ones who are left behind, crumbling among the jigsaw puzzle of realization, despair, and surprise. They have punctured hearts. They have beaten lungs.

Which in turn brings me to the subject I am telling you about tonight, or today, or whatever the hour and color. It's the story of one of those perpetual survivors--an expert at being left behind.”

Another clever technique the author used in the book, were his constant use of blatant foreshadowing. Parts wherein Death would say that one character would’ve wanted to do things differently in the future, but he or she wouldn’t have the chance in the future because he was going to come for that character by then. Normally you’d lose interest since you already know what’s going to happen, but the foreshadowing’s made me want to read even further, so I can get to the part he mentioned and know exactly how that happened. He even gave away the climax and even explained why.

“Again, I offer you a glimpse of the end. Perhaps it is to soften the blow for later, or to better prepare myself for the telling.”

Zusak also used breakers written like flash reports. It was sometimes used to introduce and describe characters, define words, state facts, and also as another form of foreshadowing.

“***A SMALL ANNOUNCEMENT ABOUT RUDY STEINER****

He didn’t deserve to die the way he did”

I have always thought about how it was for Germans during World War II, whether or not they all supported Hitler and his cause. The Book Thief wasn’t just a story of a girl who found meaning, understanding, and wisdom in books she had to steal; the story showed another side of the Holocaust aside from the sufferings of the Jews,

it is a story of how something as dreadful as war affects everyone. The book is also about words and how powerful it can be when used like in the story within the story – “The Word Shaker”.

It is also about everything else that we learn and find in hard times; family (be it by blood relation or not), friendship, sacrifices, endurance (literary and figuratively), love, and death. The idea that the story is told by the true expert on death, makes it the strongest part about the book. That even he, who has seen dying in all forms of manner, who stated matter-of-factly in the beginning of the book that “You are going to die”, through the book thief, was baffled by the human will to live and survive, even in the worst of times.

Monday Night Wars

2008-09-22T21:26:00.000-07:00

If I have one complaint about GMA's news and current affairs, it is that they always start late. As I was waiting for I-witness to air last night, I was forced to see ABS-CBN's newest Monday night show Kalye "Mga Kwentong Lansangan".

According ABS-CBN's website, "Kalye is a current affairs magazine show that features three stories that the reporters find on the streets every week. The show intends to dissect what is happening in the streets, put them into context and show what our society has become, and compel viewers to action."
The first part was one of the most irritating documentaries I have seen. I thought that it was about Sol Arragones' take on the MMDA's clearing operations. At first it was mostly events we now often see live on major sidewalks; a lot of running, screaming, vendors and MMDA's on a tug-of-war with the goods, bleeped words, and often violent brawls. Perhaps for a more in-depth report she then interviews one of the vendors after they take her stall, who with all confidence argued that they were poor ordinary people who do not want to depend on the our president, not bothering anyone, who deserve at least the right to sell wherever they think they can earn for a living. Ms. Arragones then says, "Kung tutuusin, me katwiran naman sila...", I say(with all sarcasm), sure they do. After a few scenes of our reporter showing off her reporting skills running around Metro Manila chasing the MMDA, she returns to look for the woman she interviewed earlier in the show. When she found her, the woman took her to her small house where she lives with her bed-ridden mother and her nine children, plus cousins. She continued by stating statistics everybody probably already knows, as to how many people are hungry in Metro Manila, most of whom are from the province. She ends her segment with aquestion, "Ano ang mas importante. Maayos at malinis na bangketa, o ang kumakalam na sikmura?". As I watched, only one thing came to mind - appeal to sympathy. She didn't really added anything that compeled me to any action, except to change the channel.
I-witness still wasn't on so I watched on. Good thing the second and the third segment wasn't so bad. I have always liked Anthony Taberna, and I really think he's good especially when I get to listen to his editorials (in FXs of taxi's) in his AM band show Dos Por Dos. His part on Kalye was on the rampant snatchers in Cubao, and what he did was he met with Cubao's former Estribo Queen, a retired veteran snatcher, and asked her to show him the ropes on how they go about stealing people's valuables. I was surprised at how quick and easy snatchers do it, which made Taberna's segment a little interesting and even educational for me. I liked the part when he asked the former Estribo Queen tips on how to avoid snatchers, and she casually advised that we should have the mentality that everyone we pass by is a possible snatcher.
Atom Araullo basically tackled domestic violence and used a husband who killed his wife over ulam as an example. And since it wasn't at all that good and thought provoking, my mind went to wander to other questions like, "Wasn't he the boy in the Ovaltine commercials?".
Of course everyone knows that I'm big fan of I-witness; but at the risk of sounding biased, channel 2 hasn't really produced anything to match what GMA calls "Philippines televisions finest hour." The Correspondents wasn't really that good, although they did have promising journalists like Abner Mercado, Bernadette Sembrano, Karen Davila (which we all know where the last two got their training from), and of course Ces Drilon (who found herself kidnapped by rebels after not following media protocol). After moving The Correspondents to Tuesdays, it was replaced by Tapatan a debate show, headed by Korina Sanchez and Ted Failon; which obviuosly didn't last long. I personally think it was a sad excuse for a talk-show because they tried making fun of serious issues, especially when they insert slap-stick sound effects at some of their guests comments.
And now we have Kalye. In fairness, I really found it entertaining, same way that I find it entertaining when I watch my drunk neighbors get into a brawl, or when their wives decide to go on a trash-talk contest because of a gossip they started about each other. As always it caters to the mass, banking on Tabloid journalism.
Finally, I-Witness was on, this Monday was a treat because it was my a documentary by Kara David, my favorite amongst the four documentarists in the show. Last night was about a more interesting way to look at "hunger issues"entitled "Byaheng Sikmura". She followed around a group of people who survive by going to every feeding center in Manila. It was funny as it was interesting because believe it or not, homeless people can actually eat three times a day, sometimes even six times (including a Mediterranean midnight snack), especially on Sundays. All they had to do was to make the quota, listen to boring evangelical sermons, sing-along and dance, and wallah... free food. Along the way, she met a lot of interesting people; A group of gay guys one of which was a DOST scholar who unfortunately wound up in the streets but claims to find the family he never had. Tagpi, who seemed to have a very hectic life-style keeping up with all the feeding center's schedule, so he can make sure he gets to be first in line. She even met an English speaking woman who says she goes to feeding center to save money, since free food is free food after all. The documentary showed how they get free bath, free medical treatments, and even free massage and acupuncture services. Ms. David, then adds that she doesn't believe in giving alms, she says she believes that rather than giving them fish, it is better to teach them to fish instead; she said that it takes more than feeding centers to solve the problem on hunger, education and jobs are needed but as some are still waiting for a more permanent means to survive, some are just finding means to get by. She ended the documentary with an old lady singing something she learned from one of the born-again lead feeding centers, with a message that simply said that God will always provide. Much better than Kalye.

-you can watch Byahen Sikmura episode at www.youtube.com/watch?v=8v_RLTVv-qE; I was looking for a link to Kalye's first episode but couldn't find any, guess no one was moved enough to pass it on. You can just read their press release on the show, at www.abs-cbnnews.com/tv-current-affairs/09/22/08/abs-cbn-launches-kalye-mga-kuwento-ng-lansangan.I couldn't even copy-paste a picture of the show's logo, try it a pop-up will come out saying that it's copyright by ABS-CBN.

Love in the Time of Destitution

2008-09-21T11:23:00.000-07:00

Although things still aren’t going well in the professional aspects of my life, I have decided that I should just stop feeling sorry for myself and concentrate on the good things that I have.

For one thing, there’s my fiancé who has surprisingly been one of my pillars of strength. I say surprisingly because I never really thought he would rise to the occasion and become very supportive. He’s usually very insensitive with petty things in our relationship, and I have always been afraid that there will be a time when I would need his support and he’d just look at me with his stoic expression. But surprisingly, he’s the one who has been really encouraging these times.

Just last Friday, I went to meet him after I went to another failed job application. I was determined not to show him how upset I was since I knew he was really getting tired of seeing me cry all the time. But when I saw him, my mind went back to how much he deserves a better girlfriend, one that he can show-off to other people. So as he hugged me to greet me hello, I burst out crying again. I kept apologizing telling him that I couldn’t help it; but he just held on, and without me going into details, he just said that everything’s okay, that he understood, that I could cry as much as I wanted to.

I have many complaints about him, in the six years that we have been together; most of which are concerned how he doesn’t seem to do what boyfriend’s usually do. For instance, he doesn’t like picking me up anywhere (we always meet half-way or most often I go to where he is); he never tried to get along with members of my family; and he never tried to make friends with my friends (is even very open of how much he dislikes some of them); he can sometimes be tyrannical; and lastly, nung nagpasabog ang Diyos ng pagiging-romantic sa mundo, my boyfriend was most probably inside reading DC Comic books. These are usually some of the reasons why my friends don’t like him, and I don’t blame them because it’s true; still something always brings me back to him.

The first thing that attracted me to him is his intelligence; I have always had a thing with smart boys. I cannot even begin to tell how smart he is; we even have a theory that he as Asperger’s Syndrome (an autism where often times one has really high IQ but at the same time has really low EQ). I like that we’re very different in a lot of things, especially in the way we see and understand matters in life, it makes fights and banters interesting. And unlike most boys in my neighborhood, he dreams of becoming somebody with purpose, he is honest, and is very principled.

As far as job hunting is concerned, I never really expected him to be this understanding and supportive. A few days ago we were arguing as to why he wouldn’t let me take a secretarial job. I just thought that he didn’t like the idea of someone like him seeing someone doing clerical jobs, I certainly didn't see that the problem in that. But in the middle of his irritation over my telling

him how insensitive he’s being again, he suddenly blurted out that I was so much more than that. That I was just not trying hard enough, but that he knows that I can be so much more than that.

And I must say that even if he’s not romantic by nature, when he does try, on very seldom occasions, you always know he means it; those are moments when he steps out of his comfort zone just so he can show how much I mean to him, and I know that takes a lot of effort. He never lets go of my hand, he loves to hug me, and for some reason, he believes in me.

IQ Test part 2

2008-09-17T05:10:00.000-07:00

I spent the first four days in the bed moping in my pajamas because I didn't see the sense in doing anything. Why write, when I can't get better anyway? Why read? I'll probably never remember half of it. I thought that there is no point in doing anything if I'm not smart enough to improve.
The next three days, I started to feel a little better. For one, I owe it to my boyfriend who proposed to me the same day I took that stupid test. I felt bad that I didn't feel as excited as I thought as I would be. I have been waiting for him to propose for months, and when he did pop the question, the first thing I thought was that he deserved someone smarter. But he was really sweet about it, he told me that he will keep believing in me even if no one else does, even if I don't even believe in me. This is something from a very serious, often stoic, at times insensitive person and he at least deserves to see his girlfriend happy about marrying him. Of course, there is my mom who kept asking how I was; I remember she always tells me that I am very wise for my age. I remember she always says that it always better to have wisdom above all else, because it is what will help you in everyday things.
Yesterday I spent the day with my favorite couple. The truth is I was thinking of backing-out because these two friends of mine are some of the smartest of all my friends, in fact, the guy is a Mensa member. I was a bit anxious to see them, afraid that I might be reminded of how stupid I was amongst such intelligent presence. We played badminton, and then I got to spend the afternoon with one-half of them (because he had to go to work), where we got to catch-up with things happening to us. And that is where I was reminded that it really isn't important if you're smart or not. We all have our problems, and his or hers is as heavy to them, as it is with mine. And as my person said to me, "You shouldn't let how you fall define who are; it;s how you stand-up that is important."

IQ Test

2008-09-10T10:47:00.000-07:00

If there is one thing that I want be at this period of my life, that is that I want to be smart. In fact I want to be a genius, complete with photographic memory. I don't care if I become autistic, just as long as my IQ becomes mensa status. But I'm not. I used to think I was, but now I know for sure that I am not.

Yesterday, I went to a job interview and the first part of the application process was an IQ test. They explained to us that you don't advance to the next part if you don't pass the IQ test. The test composed mostly of the kind where you find patterns in a series of shapes, of different sizes, shaded hallow, and some in 3D. I did the best I could to analyze and find the best possible answers my brain could decipher and hoped that I got as much as I can right. After 40 minutes, a span of time not even half of what I spent commuting to that place, I was sent home via a letter that very formally said I did not meet their required grade. I tried my best not to cry on the way home, and when I did reach my room, I sobbed my heart out.

See, I told myself that I would use this test as a way of finding out where my intelligence really stood. And that this would finally determine whether or not I am smart enough to be anything I can put mind into. Why this particular test? Allow me explain. Over the years I have encountered a lot of IQ tests wherein most often I always fail, but this was the only one that was purely on analyzation (where the correct answers are not general information) and the result was immediate. The other tests had other parts like questions in Math, Science, and History where stock knowledge is essential, which I could just tell myself that perhaps I didn't do well on those parts and not in the analyzing part, which is why I got a low score. And since the result of the test I took yesterday was based solely on that part, I told myself that it was the best opportunity for me to find out whether or not I was equipped with a sharp mind. And what I found out really broke my heart.

I know basing my capabilities on one test seems even more idiotic. However it did cement the fact that maybe I really did badly in those parts in the previous tests that I took, that no matter how hard I try my intelligence qoutient isn't really enough. It simply explains everything to me; why I never get anything the first and second time, why I never really remember or grasp anything amongst all the books I've read, why my writing never improves or why I can never find my own style, why I never seem to best at anything. I just wasn't born that way.

My mom says test like that you can learn to solve and get better at, like Math, all you have to do is find out how. I wish she was right, but really, how can you learn finding patterns in random shapes? Is there a formula? Why don't they teach that in school? And if so, how can some people just simply know what comes next, or how a completely irregular shape can be another's partner, just by looking at them for a few seconds; while someone like me is left stumped?

Let me be clear, that I don't find anything wrong in not being smart. I just wish I was one, because things would be much easier for me that way. I could've gotten full scholarships for school, I could've learned as much as my big brain could store (e.g. Physics, Medicine, Arts, Literature, Archeolology), I could've written more clever articles, I could at least get the job I want, one that would make my existense relevant.

What makes all this worst, is that I am sorrounded by intelligent people. People that I love, respect, and now people I envy. My boyfriend, my brother, my aunt, my cousin, most of my friends are smart. And to rub salt into the wound, I seem to have the strongest awareness of how I am not as bright as they all are, when I really wish I was. If I'm not smart, why can't I just be stupid enough not to notice? I used to always looked down at brainless bombshells, but now, call it shallow but at least they're pretty. I am neither.

I don't think I can ever get over what I just realized. My mom used to say that I may not be as intelligent as my brother, but I was always kinder. But right now, as I seem to think that all my failures, all the hard-times I'm going through at present, are due to the fact that I wasn't intelligently equipped enough, being the kind one doesn't really help. I know it sounds bad, since I have always been a heart-over-mind kind of person, but that's what my lowly mind thinks...

Some Changes

2008-09-09T06:11:00.001-07:00

I think it's because I seldom sit at corners to think, that I often write write text-heavy (as my friend described) entries or' that I rarely come-up with anything to write about. And when I do write something, it usually turns into monologues, mostly about the dramas of my life. Not that I don't think that everything I write isn't important, it's just that it is so "me" to make everything so sentimental and emotional. And I really don't want to keep doing that, at least not all the time.
Maybe subconsciously I want to make up for lost time, thus the usual length. I guess I got used to having have to explain everything. I forget that sometimes it is better to keep it short and simple, go straight to the point, and not lose anyone's interest with my long and boring angst in my life. So here's to change and hopefully more interesting, non-overly-sentimental, and definitely shorter entries.
And since I want to get over making my blog look so text-heavy, I'm going to always put pictures of things (might be relevant or might not be), places, or just anything at corners.

An Experiment On Self-Discovery

2008-08-15T12:56:00.001-07:00

Still unemployed and destitute, however I have decided to use my time wisely, without spending a penny. A few weeks ago I read this article that basically helps you understand yourself better. It sort of like Johari’s window, but it mostly concentrated on the positive characteristics. The article was actually meant for teenagers since according to the article that is the stage where one usually starts to develop their individuality. But there was a part there that I decided to use since I wanted to do a little “finding myself” myself especially now that I have all this free time, and have less stressful things to think about.
So there was one part that suggested asking people in your life whose opinion you really respect and trust what they like or love about you. Since the article was aiming to help you get connected with your positive side, it said to ask your respected and trusted panelist to tell you mainly the good attributes about you that made them consider you part of their close circle. Some of the conditions were that they weren’t your relative, or special someone; since it will obviously be very biased, and can greatly effect your interactions with them if you spend time with them on a regular basis (this part I really agreed on because I was going to ask my boyfriend, but the article explained that by adding a partner to your panel will make me always act the things he would say so that I can always be on his good side) makes sense right? Another condition is that you can’t explain why you are asking as they will obviously filter what to say, and will help lessen over sugar-coating you, or if they want to add some constructive criticism in their comments. And lastly, you have to ask them separately to help them avoid comparing notes.
The article’s main goal was to help its readers concentrate on their positive characteristics over the negative ones. The part that I used was to help on attributes that I may not know about myself which we sometimes, often subconsciously demonstrate to our close friends. It further explains that there is really nothing wrong with asking an emotional question straightforwardly, even if we are often afraid to seem too mushy or self-absorbed. It also said that we shouldn’t be scared that our friends might not be honest with their answers and doubt that they just don’t want to hurt your feelings. This is why it is important you ask people you consider your closest and dearest friends; the article said that if they do consider you as their true friend, they wouldn’t lie to you and that what they say is what really drew you together. The article also stressed how I would be surprised with the things that I would discover which can help me greatly.
And so I asked my closest friends and I must admit that the article really held true to its promise. I did find out a lot of good things about myself, and was really surprised of the things they said. My panelist were composed of friends from different areas of my life (a friend whom I have worked with, played badminton with, spent college with, was pod/seatmate for three years with, wrote for the school paper with) and the main idea I got about myself as a friend was that I am kind of extra-ordinary. Before you say, I might be over glorifying myself; I say this because I really expected them to say generic adjectives like kind, funny, happy; but what I did get were descriptions that I, even in my daydreams don’t even think to describe me. I say extra-ordinary because they all seem to use words to me that were so strong, it really makes me swell with pride because I never really knew I was all that to them (Some examples are: sincere, emphatic, unique, unpretentious, resilient, responsible, honest, and committed), it was all too much, really. There were also some comments that I was loud, straightforward, and crazy (I think she meant this as a compliment since she said we had that in common), but were immediately followed by more overwhelmingly nice words. One friend stated she could talk to me about anything, another said that I was, “Considerate to other people to the point of giving what you want to those who need it the most…”, and one even called me her soulmate.
There were some things that my friends helped me realize with the experiment. One was that I noticed that there wasn’t a word of descriptions that were used by two or more panelist. It seemed that I was this to one, and that to another. For example one of my friends pointed out that she liked how we understand each, how we blend. Another friend said she liked how she could talk to me about anything, whether it is light conversations or serious ones. This isn’t that of a big deal, it just made me feel a little inconsistent that‘s all. I suppose I treat them differently depending on our environment and the different situations we face together. Another thing that I discovered was that none of them said that they liked me because I was smart or intelligent. This is a big realization, because I often beat myself up about how smart people always have the edge, because people are at ease when they are around intellectual persons. I always seem to have this fear that no one would like me if they think that they know that I don’t know what to do half the time. But when none of them used the word smart or intellectual, I now know that I really don’t have to be ashamed if I don’t understand that quickly or if I didn’t know the answer, or is unsure. This is one of the best parts because I now feel free of constantly proving myself. I don’t have to because they all love me just the same.
In conclusion, I must admit that I’m really not that bad at all. And it really helped with making me understand myself better. After I received their responses, I honestly started to feel good about who I am, and how I am perceived. And sometimes even if I am constantly reminded of my flaws and start to doubt my capabilities, I remember their words and think that to someone believes that I am this and pick myself up again.
To my panelists I truly appreciate your comments and would like to take this opportunity to thank you for being my friend; however of a friend I am to you. You guys have given me the gift of acceptance and confidence that I may never have gotten had I not met you.

Life so Far

2008-07-16T04:03:00.000-07:00

So I'm back in a corner. I'm doing a little soul searching these days, mostly since I recently left my job. And after four years of working for the same company, I've finally found the guts to leave. Well technically I was sort of forced to, not that I was fired or anything like that, although technically I almost was. See the company I was working for has this habit of making up stupid directives to keep us in the reigns. Long story short, I was almost terminated because of a period...and I mean this literally, I made a mistake of adding a "period"(.) to my survey. Now in my four years of stay, I was already used to these kinds of idiotic rules, but since the choice was to get suspended and fight versus resign, I thought what the heck. I'd rather leave gracefully; it was after all ridiculous to think to attend a conference just so I can tell them how hurt I am, that they were willing to sack me for a mere punctuation. Sometimes, I think at how ironically funny it is that my career with that company ended with a period.
However, despite my untimely and sad departure, I must say that I'm still thankful for the four years that company has given me. They did give me the opportunity I needed to help me finish school, and at least took up my way of living up a notch. I learned so much about work, and how the professional world worked, there was a moment when I thought I couldn't leave, afraid that I may not be able to adjust to life outside. I met so many interesting people, and can now really weed out the real people from the plastics, and that sometimes first impressions don't always last. I've made friends there that I will cherish for as long as I live, from them I learned so much about myself, and remember every moment I laugh, cry, sing, drink, gossip, hate, and love.
So what of the soul searching? I currently spend my days wasting time away, watching pirated movies, catching up on my reading, running errands for my mom, going out with my person, and rounding up some unfinished business, among other things. The truth is, I'm having a little trouble finding another job, but I'm not worried, at least not yet, since I still have a bit to spend. I was just thinking a while ago, how this must be what fresh graduates go through, bumming around while they're waiting for calls from would be interviews. Only I skipped a stage, and went directly to losing the first job. So life so far is here, back in a corner, recharging my brain cells, weighing my options, soul searching; until I can get back up my feet again...

2008-06-01T14:28:00.000-07:00

You know how they say "absence makes the heart go fonder" when someone you really care about goes away? But then there is also "out of sight of mind" right? If you ask me id say that both saying are true as I had about a month and a half going through both (my person [my beloved] went to Turkey last month).

I thought the part about the absence of that person making you miss him more would happen the first couple of weeks, kind of like having withdrawal syndromes from something you're really addicted with. But that wasn't the case for me, I guess I psyched myself too much that I needed to keep my mind of the fact that I wasn't going to see him, that if I dwell on that I was going to go crazy so I had to keep buzy. In a sour graping kind of way, I said to myself that this would be the perfect opportunity for me to do things I can't do when he's around. Weekdays were easy because I had work so I can pass the time there, the weekends I just had to make sure I had something to do. So basically I held on the promise of the second saying that as long as I don't see him, keep busy, I won't miss him.

And it worked, the first 2 weekends. There was a little moment when I lost it a little because I was worried he wasn't trying to reach him. but I got through that and was even happy that I was able to go out with friends on friday nights, saturday all night videoke, or a short sunday afternoon coffee. There was also more time with my family, particularly with my mom who was able to drag me anywhere and anytime she wanted to. Even being alone wasn't so bad, it was good to have some time by myself, getting lost in Quaipo...There was even a moment one rainy friday night I was walking along Makati Avenue listening to Jason Mraz's I"m Yours, I felt so peaceful I don't know why. My mp3 ran out of battery so that moment of solitude lasted about six minutes but I will never forget it.

I also got to go to some beaches, which was something I've always wanted to do. It wasn't exactly the most beautiful shores but I had fun, and I got to wear a two-piece, a very liberating experience so it wasn't all so bad.

Then there's also beauty and wellness. I don't why I couldn't find the time to work on this even with him around, I guess when you're too caught up with someone what you look like isn't a big issue, plus I am not that big with vanity. I have to say that compared to most people, I'm not that particular with being pretty, but because of that I did go over board neglecting important hygienic responsibilities like oral and skin care. So as I had time on my hands, I went to visit my dentist, and had my very first facial. I also got more time to lose some weight and get some much needed exercise, since I don't have to match his diet and play badminton instead of going out. I have to admit that looking neat and feeling fit does add a bit of confidence to ones self.

But like the flu, it begins with a sneeze, and then the colds, and pretty soon you find yourself really sick. Moments where emails seemed impersonal, sometimes ones that doesn't come at all, then the train rides where almost everyone is a couple and you feel so alone, and the nights when I cried myself to sleep thinking that no matter how much I wanted to just even hear his voice I couldn't.

And when friends aren't free to see you, family trips become overrated, and going out by yourself gets too depressing it follows that you, that I became miserable. Too make things worst I realized that when trouble comes, even his presence makes it easier. But because he's not anywhere near, the misery eats you up slowly and painfully. I almost my job over something so simple and I wanted to just take out on anything, even him... all because he wasn't there.

The truth is, even as I watch him sleep, now that I can hug him and feel him finding yourself and falling apart in his absence has left me feeling beaten, because I so wanted to make it without him; I wanted to see that I am still my own person.

So I guess both sayings are really true that you do become more fonder with someone when they are away, as you realize how much you need them; and when they are not within reach, insight - you do go out of your mind(sic).

Weekend at Batangas

2008-05-11T03:49:00.000-07:00

I just came back from a trip to Batangas with officemates and if I had assess the weekend, I'd say it was fun, a little disappointing, but also very introspective.

I was really looking forward to the beach. I have always had a thing for beaches maybe because that somewhere I don't get to go to all the time. So we saw the resort after browsing through the internet, it wasn't our first choice actually but since the pictures in their site promised white sand beaches and superb amenities, not to mention the fact that it was the only resort with available bookings, we gave it a go. Getting there was already a stressful ordeal the sketch they provided in their site was more like a flow chart than a map. Needless to say we got lost and we got a kick out of the people we asked directions from, most of which gave vague and very ambiguous instructions like "kanan ka dun tas diretso lang", where is "dun"?

My favorite would have to be the when were already somewhere in Batangas:

Us: Manong san po papuntang Tambo?
Manong: (complete with punto) Ay Tambo! Sa Maynila yun a sa Paranaque.
Us: (fighting laughing at his face)...Salamat PO!

When we got there, we had to switch to a different cottage, refuse to pay for the karaoke we did not ask for (it cost 1300 to rent it, but we convinced them to give it to us for a meager 500), and
was welcomed by a very crowded, very dirty, ordinary-sand beach.

of course in every "team building" there are the participants. I was anxious to see how my new friends would interact with each other, and how they would react to me. I have to say, they were really a great bunch to be with, my team mates are all very happy individuals and the one thing I like about them is that I don't really have to prove myself to them in any way. Unlike most of my friends they are not too intelligent that I feel stupid around them neither are they too judgmental for me to watch my every move. They're simply who they are - happy. But of course everybody has issues, some were able to set it aside, some just sang it away, while some vented it out consumed by too much alcohol. I do want to reach out and embrace them as "close" friends but I think six months is still too short to build a foundation on and as I have learned in the past; familiarity breeds contempt and I'm scared that the more we get to know each other, we might make a mistake in finding put that we don't like each other after all. But that's too far ahead thinking and honestly I'm just scared that I share too much of myself again and lose whatever good they think of me (something I am always secretly concerned about). I have shared a lot with them but I still feel like an outsider at times, never in the circle always at bay.

I almost lost it myself when they gave me the task to collect miscellaneous fees we need to settle. I have explained to them previously that I was bad at numbers and somehow they found it amusing to see me tackle how much we need and who needs to pay how much. And as predicted I buckled and began to get confused with the money in my hand, while everyone dictating how I should do it. It made me go back in sixth grade when I was asked to go to the board to solve a problem and ended up crying in front of them as I didn't know how to do it. I almost cried that afternoon while figuring out how much we need and was afraid they saw how weak and stupid I am.

Another highlight of the trip were my two officemates who are having an affair behind their respective boyfriend/girlfriend. They wouldn't take their hands off each other the whole time we were there, making them headlines of the side talks and the butt of jokes. I'm ashamed to say that I put in some comments too, not just the fact that I look down on how wrong what they are doing is, but particularly about the girl and how she acts on all this. Let me first say that I am ashamed of myself because I know that happens between them is none of my business, considering that I only them a short time; also that I know that I have no right to judge anyone (talk about them behind their back) as I am not perfect myself.

It's just that it all seems so twisted and stupid that you make-out with other people knowing you made a commitment with someone else. Sure at these times most of our generation are are very liberated when it comes to relationships (I know I do); but as Mikee Conjuanco said to Aga Muclach in one of their movies, "...how can you be happy knowing that you hurt other people?". It's stupid because they are not even married, it would make things easier to just break up with your previous so you can be free to date whoever, why do you have to complicate things by being unfaithful. They say they have their reasons, but the way I see it both parties get hurt either way. You secretly fool around with someone else you hurt someone; you tell them and leave them you still hurt them. But by continuing to keep it from them prolongs the agony as suppose to getting it over with, plus that it is selfish on the part of the unfaithful because as you are happily kissing someone else, you leave your partner miserably raking their brains thinking of you, your partner who did nothing but love you back. The girl in particular I have a lot of thoughts about, but that is a different post all together.

In summary the trip was a bit disappointing when it came to the venue, full laughter courtesy of my new friends, and made think deeper into secret affairs and where I stand on matters like that.

24

2008-04-23T10:23:00.000-07:00

I just turned 24. The truth is the previous year seems such as a blur, I feel like I haven't really gotten used to being to being 23 and suddenly I'm a year older again. I'm not really like most women who are terrified of getting older, years from now I won't be ashamed to say how old I really am, I'm more concerned with where do I stand in this life as a 24-year-old.
You know what they say that stages in our life are divided every seven years. And every seven years you get to celebrate because you have jumped form one phase of life to another. Like when you turn seven, you are no longer a baby but a full pledge kid. I remember when I turned seven, we had this big party at our house, but my biggest concern that time was that I had to stop drinking from a feeding bottle, (yes, I was on the bottle for six years)I knew i didn't want to but had to because it was time to grow-up at least at that point. Seven years later, at 14 I took a big step because I was baptized into a chosen religion, if you've read a previous entry, you'd know how that ended. I also met my first serious suitor that year, and began to consider notions of entering in a serious relationship with a boy I thought I was really in-love with. Of course, thank God that did not work out, my mom was right that I was much too young that time. Another seven years and at 21, another big event in life because I was finally able to finish my degree (proud to say that I worked my way through college), already I was making my own money, and was in a two-year relationship with my first (and still current) boyfriend.
So anyway if I follow that theory, turning 24 puts me in between two phases. The fresh graduate ready to face the world, to full-pledge adult entertaining thoughts of building my own family. Sociologically thinking, I am at the point in my life when I'm suppose to be really thinking about what I want to be and how I'm going to go about it.
See three years working in a call center is a little the same as doing time in prison. Because you work at a different time zone to the majority of the people around you are stuck in your own little world. And like being in prison you spend time thinking about what you do when you get out and prepare for how you are going to put your life together. I have to say that those times were a bit of a challenge for me because I seem to have lost my sense of identity. Its hard to explain it seemed to me that I forgot the things I used to believe in like money isn't everything; or that I did not have to prove/compare/explain myself to anyone. And with that, I followed a different course from what I usually took and ended up lost, miserably depressed because I couldn't get to where I wanted to be, from who I thought I wanted to be.
Example, I always felt depressed that I am not as smart as most people in my life like my brother/boyfriend/and most of my friends. . I always thought that when you are intelligent, no one can fool you, you can easily learn any skill you want (e.g. a foreign language), and even if your ugly at least your smart. And with brains like them you can get anywhere. I wanted to talk like them, be as logical as them, think as fast them, be them. But the harder I try, the more I put myself down every time I don't really understand a book, forget or mix-up details, or say something stupid... And because I am not intelligent enough it felt like I was going to be eventually left behind.
Then one of my friends said something that got me really thinking, he said something like I was the kind of person who just wanted people to think that I'm a non-conformist and detest other people who do what most people do, but that the truth is that deep inside I want to be mainstream too. It really hurt when he said that, because I thought he was one of the few who really understood me, he is also one of the smart ones so what he says I really take seriously. Was I really trying too hard to establish my personality it borders to fake and pathetic?
It made me realize that I was my driving myself to insanity making people accept me as someone smart and deep, when I wasn't really any of those. I pushed myself to hard on everything, from how much money I make to the being good at anything like my writing. It made me question my capabilities, and doubt my dreams. And that is what made me bitter and unhappy. So I simply stopped.
At the moment I can't explain the peace I am feeling. I don't know, since I stopped thinking about proving myself to anyone I began to accept things about me and strangely started to enjoy life. I just read what I want, say how I understand,do as i feel; without thinking if I'm good enough.
Point is, at 24 I'm glad I realized early on before I get to my next phase about what me makes me happy, and how I want to go about my life. I'm not sure where it will take me, but I'm pretty sure I won't be too haggard if I make things happen for me or too depressed if I don't. As Jason Mraz sang "I won't worry my life away", right now I'll just maybe take it a day at a time happy and contented...at least until I turn 28...

My First Memory

2008-04-10T07:25:00.000-07:00

My very first memory was when I was two, and it was my grandfather. Details were a blur, I remember my Lolo Mario carried me into his arms, held out my other hand, outstretched my arm and swayed me to a waltz. Now that I think about it, technically, it wasn't just my first memory but my first dance as well.
I'm not really sure if I really did remember that moment, but i know it did happen because my mom told me that it did. I'm not good at remembering you see, so sometimes I think it was just something I made up from my mom's stories. When I play it back in my head if seems more like a dream, but compared to others, it feels real every time.
I cherish that memory, even though I'm not sure if it did happen the way I remember because of two reasons. One, because it is good to know that my first recorded memory was that of how much my grandpa adored me; and two, it was the only one I will ever have of him because he passed away shortly after that dance.
My mom said that Lolo Mario was a good man. I grew up with anecdotes of his kindness and how much of a loving family man he was. We ran a small store before and they said that if kids were lucky to buy candy form him, he would always add extra from what you could afford. My mom remembers that at time when she would get home late, Lolo would already be waiting for her at the corner of the street. They weren't that well off, especially that they were nine in the family but he worked hard to provide what everybody needed; and that was the kind of caring dad that he was.
But of all the stories I have three favorites. One was that he loved watching tv, I always thought that I got that from him, but he was always willing to be considerate towards others. I remember my mom telling me a funny story when her pack of cousins (from my Lola's side of the family) would invade their living room, and watch basketball. I always laughed at the irony when my mom would tell how much she hated those times because she couldn't even watch what she wanted in their own house. But after she'd get over being bitter, she would calm and say that never once did my Lolo complain, he just sat there in the middle of the sofa surrounded by the relatives, succumbing to consensus, and quietly watched with them. I don't think I have that kind of patience or understanding, but my Lolo did.
My next favorite was something about him walking miles carrying two plastic buckets for the house (or something like that) and small wooden study table that he got especially for me. Maybe he couldn't fit in the bus carrying that or maybe he didn't have enough money left for fare; but I will never forget that study table. It was about two feet high, varnished brown, and it opened to a compartment inside for my books, crayons, and pending art projects. I used that table for years, even after I was too big for it to use. And somehow study tables became a passage in the family, the youngest member is given one when they turn about two, ready to behave, sit down and learn things.
Of course top of the list would be that day when he danced with me. I know it was a sunny day because daylight flooded the room, I don't remember hearing the music but his old turn table stayed with us, and I don't have much of him except for the stories but I know he loved me by the way he was looking at me at that moment. My grandfather was the first person in my life that showed me the sadness in the concept of death and the sorrow it brings to the people you leave behind. But his early passing also taught me that if you lived in kindness, caring, and love the same way my Lolo did, even if you leave only one blurry memory, the cliche is true that you will continue to live in their hearts.

Lost in Austen

2008-04-07T04:26:00.000-07:00

(this post was from my former blog)
I think I'm having a Jane Austen phase. I have always been interested in her books particularly to Pride and Prejudice. I first tried reading the book when I was in high school but I guess the range of my vocabulary wasn't that wide yet so I couldn't get pass the first two chapters. About a hundred romance novels, and a few serious books later I tried again, it took me about three months to finish it ( I had to consult the dictionary one in a while - okay a lot), but I got through and even liked it. Few months before that the movie version (which I am watching for the nth time as I'm writing this entry) starring Kiera Knightley as Elizabeth Bennet was released, which I also liked. Especially the part they added where Mr.Darcy swore his love at the last part; that line wasn't in the book but it was so romantic my cheeks burn everytime I watch it.

I guess I really liked Elizabeth's character in the story; I have always liked heroines who are opinionatedly witty, free-spirited, and can think for themselves. Plus I love the idea of how different Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy is, I like love stories where opposites attract; the banters can be romantic especially when you get to the last part when they finally let go of their long suppressed feelings for each other. And I liked how Austen wrote to be defiant in marrying for love and because of her strong principles and attitude Mr. Darcy fell in love with her uniqueness. Which made me like Mr. Darcy, on his part because he chose to be with someone who can be his equal and true partner and not think of Elizabeth as something he acquired like a property or a horse.
I personally think that although it may so different nowadays, girls today should also think as Elizabeth does, that there is no other reason to marry someone other than love and respect for each other. See Elizabeth is confident that she is as worthy as anyone even if she's from a poor family because she is an individual, and equipped herself with wisdom and made sure she can be capable with or without a husband. I know some people even today who hastily marry for reasons other reasons like security; e.g. Some marrying foreigners who will take them abroad, and give them a comfortable life. Or some who believe they are in love and marry even if they haven't proven anything to anyone not even to themselves; e.g. those who marry even if they know they can't support themselves yet. I think that Jane Austen wrote the story of Elizabeth because of her frustrations of being forced to marry someone she doesn't like and not be able to chose who she wants because she wasn't "born with the right connections", plus how even her parents found it crazy that a girl can support herself, in her case with her writing. I know we all have our reasons, as for the examples I've given and why they enter in relationship like that, but when I think about it women today should take advantage of the privileges we have unlike when it was in the time of Austen or Elizabeth. Back then your only goal in life as a woman is to grab a husband, never mind if you love him or if he respects your individuality; today we have the opportunity to be anything we want, and by developing a strong enough character who knows we can catch the eye of someone who will admire you for what you have made of yourself, and fall in-love for that person you are. All I'm saying is , wouldn't it much better if that were the case.
Anyway as I was saying, before I got carried away with myself, I'm hooked with the stories and principles of Jane Austen. I already read Sense and Sensibility and just finished reading a create your adventure book, "Lost in Austen" where you get to be Elizabeth Bennet and chose her decisions for her (you may see my review of the book on my shelfari account at www.shelfari.com/e_bennet). Currently I found a pastiche, "Mr. Darcy's Diary" a novel written in journal form on the thoughts of Mr. Darcy of Pride. I didn't finish Lost in Austen yet because wanted to read the original Emma and Mansfield Park first so I can be familiar most of Austen's books before I go back to the adventure book. I urge you to read her books...

On Religion

2008-03-31T10:23:00.000-07:00

“Religion: ______” This is one of fields that we find in forms that we are asked to fill-up. I put Seventh-day Adventist. As a kid I was determined to follow its beliefs, but as I grew older, and more mature about life and spirituality I became what one would call a backslider.

For those who are not familiar with this religious organization, it is basically a Christian congregation only they follow certain beliefs that are different from most groups. It is called Seventh-day Adventist because its main teaching is that the seventh day is Sabbath and should be revered, very very seriously. And since in the calendar, it says that Saturday is the seventh day, we should worship and pray on that day. Adventists, as we are called, would always say that this is where most sects are wrong since most of them consider Sunday as their day of worship, especially here in the Philippines where most people are Catholics. I said we take Sabbath very seriously because again compared to other organizations we are expected to really adhere to worship come Saturday. Actually Sabbath starts at sundown Friday and ends when the sun comes down on Saturday. And form this time; we are only to concentrate on worship shouldn’t be doing any of our “worldly” activities (e.g. working, watching TV, playing …), or anything that keeps us from keeping the Sabbath holy. Others who really take it by heart consider even purchasing something forbidden on a Sabbath. It sort of like celebrating the annual Holy week of Catholics (penetencias), only it happens every week.

Another thing is that we are very strict about following what the Bible says, for example Adventists are very famous for their strict diet. Following Leviticus 11 of the bible, it basically tells us what we should or shouldn’t eat like pork, some seafood delicacies, and anything that would defile your body – the vessel of our souls. We don’t believe in Saints or passing our prayers to dead martyrs as the bible also states “…thou shall not bow down to any image or likeness…” (I think its part of the 10 commandments). And one thing that they are big at is the second coming, or the end of the world. According to the Adventist church there will come a day when God will come down and rid of the world and all that is evil, and if you were truly a faithful and true you shall be saved and have a place in the new world one that is perfect and everlasting.

So how did I become a member of this religion? My grandmother from my father’s side was a devoted Adventist all throughout her adult life ‘til her untimely death. She raised her three sons, as Adventists and like them; my brother and I were sent to Adventist schools (up until high school). It was there where I decided to become a member, but when I look back I can only say that was an immature decision on my part. See an Adventists can only be baptized at around 10 years old and up, when you can decide for yourself if you really want to take it seriously. Had I known that wisdom comes with age, I should’ve waited a little longer. I remember the day I was to be baptized my mother (who by the way came from a Catholic family) was crying because she was against my decision. At that time I thought that she did not want me to get baptized because she just did not get adventivism since she was not one. But now I understand that she knew I was still too young even at 13 to understand what I was really getting myself into. Now I know that she was just keeping what happened to my dad and both my uncles from happening to me.

All three of them were backsliders as well, although they grew up the Adventist way the same as I was, even more, they all got into the same worldly things when they got older. Vices, rock n’ roll, and all of them marrying outside the religion (something highly discouraged in the church).

By fourth grade they will already encourage you to take the big leap of baptismal, but since I knew my mom was not very enthusiastic about that I waited a little longer but as I’ve said I guess I still did not wait long enough. At the time I was a freshman in high school, and although I was still diligently going to church with my grandma, at a young age I would be eaten by guilt by little things that make me happy because it is looked down by the church’s beliefs (considered worldly and sinful). Things like dancing, enjoying tocino, and watching sitcoms on Friday nights. At school we were thought that by not following its doctrines, (in other words living a sinful life), would slim our chances on being saved on the day of reckoning. It did agree to the universal belief that you are not worthy of heaven if you are a sinner, but even as a little girl I would be afraid of burning in hell simply because we enjoy pop songs over praise songs, or that my periodical exams were scheduled on a Saturday. I have stopped going to church since I started working and is now coming to terms that I have really left the Adventist life.

But it was not all bad; there were some things I liked about being an Adventist, particularly going to an Adventist school. I grew up learning the bible at an early age, loving the stories of faith like of brave David, beautiful and honest Esther, and Elijah who never really died. I learned to pray with your heart and not by memorization; I’ve encountered a lot of adults who are afraid of leading a prayer afraid that they might make a mistake – I find that weird. And it was going to church every week that I understood the magnitude of what Jesus Christ did for us on the cross.

I’m not saying that my religion is bad it is after all an organization that aims to enrich people spiritually and find peace in God. I suppose it was my because no one really guided me through it as I grew older and began to question a lot of our church’s beliefs (especially after my Lola Alice died). Particularly the part about, even as children they would motivate you to be a good Adventist out of fear and through guilt. I never understood why I can’t appreciate a good song or a well-written book just because it does not tell about God.

I guess we all need to hold on or believe in something, which is why being a part of a religion seems important to some of us. But it did not work out for me and today I feel like I’m carrying a burden because I don’t go to church and is questioning the group I joined. A more serious effect it had on me is that now I have trouble thinking that God is a compassionate kind of guy. It seemed to have been stuck in my head that when something bad that happens to me, it’s a punishment from Him because I went out to see Kiera Knighley’s latest flick. I know that sort of thinking is twisted, but that was what my religion brought to me.

But I still continue to hope that all that would change. Someday I would like to let myself think that God put us on this earth to explore our potentials to the fullest, despite our imperfections, and weakness towards negative temptations. I would like to think that God is cool and would be proud that we have learned to improve through Science, Education, and the Arts. I would like to think that God wants us all to enjoy life and be happy.

As I learned every day and experience life, I understand deeply when they say that religion cannot save you. It could be, maybe to most people, a guide to be a better human being in all aspects. But I really don’t think salvation can be found in being vigilant on how your sect interprets the Bible.

As for me I may be a backslider a little while longer; until I find my way back to our church, or until I find an organization that will make feel good about my spirituality. I honor God, love others, respect the law, and strive to live a virtuous life the best I can , I think that makes me a good enough person…and the moment I guess I’m okay with that.

At the corners of my mind

2008-03-25T08:12:00.000-07:00

I have a lot of things that I don't really like about myself, but there is one thing that I really want change. And that is that I get paranoid over everything. I used to think that this is something only my close friends know about me, until a new friend teasingly pointed out that I take everything too seriously, and this she observed from a random conversation. To better explain what I mean, an old friend used this as her main description in her testimonial for me for my friendster account, and I quote,

"she's a neurotic overcome with
paranoia. always worried about someone
meeting an accident or getting
abducted, but that would stem from her
genuine love for everybody she holds
dear..."

The earliest signs of this nuerotic/psychological paranoia, I remember whenever my mom or our designated guardian that day would be late picking us up from school, they would usually find me by the gate (backpack, coleman, and all) holding on the rails, a pathetic frown on my face looking like a prisoner looking outside. I don't remember much except that I was afraid that they'd forgotten about us and was doomed to be adopted by the school janitor. As I got a little older there were also times when I would wait up for my mom everytime she was out late, I used to drive my cousin crazy because there always came a point when I would be at the brink of tears thinking that my mother might have had a terrible accident. Even now, if we both agreed to meet at a certain time and you'd be late, I 'd wait for you even if takes me a day just so I can be sure your okay. (I'd probably never talk to you again, but I'll wait...).
You can imagine how life must be for my boyfriend, sometimes I feel bad because I know I drive him stark raving mad, checking up on him as often as I possibly can, but it's not that I don't trust him that he would be always up to know good (I'll get to that later), I just want to make sure he's alright. And since he's the type of guy who doesn't like reporting to someone like a beat cop, I in-turn start raving and bite his head off accusing him of being an insensitive alpha male. And then there's also getting jealous over other people, he talks about a certain girl, depending on the occasion or depth of an anecdote and I start crying believing he's bound to leave me sooner of later.
And then there's the index card moments. Example a friend would not talk to me the same way he or she usually does and start to think that that friend is mad at me or something. You make a comment about me that I was too loud or was too harsh - I cry... And when I do get into something whether it was my fault or not, either I did it intentionally or by accident, I will never get over it unless someone assures me that it's okay. I blame myself for everything that happens around me, but usually only the bad ones. It used to be that would turn to a friend for assurance, to tell me that it's nothing, that I shouldn't worry; but I later thought that if I don't get a "your being ridiculous look" from them, they usually just laugh at me...so, whenever I get jittery over something I write on index cards, usually about what happened and what I feel about it to help me feel better, get it out of my system - thus the index card moments.
"... I think my officemates are mad at me, I'm not really sure what I did, but it's probably because of a comment I made... I shouldn't have said that, I've been here what, five months and already I can't keep my big mouth shut..."-excerpts from an index card written today.
So there, I think I really have a psychological disorder, if I had the money I wouldn't mind seeking professional help.I really think that this is one thing that contributes to keeping me from doing stuff I want to try, starting from the fact that I have to constantly make sure everything is fine, and making sure I'm always at status quo with everybody else. Like I said, if I could get rid of it I would.

At Corners

2008-03-19T09:37:00.000-07:00

As a kid my parents never spanked us, instead my mother and father believed in a more subtle approach. So they send us to the corner. I don't know a lot in my circle who were punished the same as we were; the way I saw it, my parents didn't like the idea that we are disciplined trough fear and physical pain, they wanted us to learn by deliberation and by analyzing our actions. I suppose it stuck because until now whenever I need to think or simply find a little solitary satisfaction I always find myself in closed places to think things through - in most cases at a corner.
According to wikipedia, A corner is the place where two lines of different dimensions meet at an angle, and a convex corner of intersecting walls. If you would notice, corners are the most strategic place to ponder things because in a room it is there where you are most likely to see the entire room therefore get better perspective, since you can watch everything without panning your head. On the downside, wikipedia also adds that it is generally thought to be the least beneficial position to be in a life-or-death situation. Obviously, since we have no where else to go and is helpless when we do find ourselves backed into a corner; on the contrary ( and to prove my point on corners) I say that in situations like that is when we do think at our best since we
have no where else to go or turn to and must rely only on ourselves. And this is the same objective my parents wanted to achieve when we were sent to the corner, realization through deep concentration.
And this will be the main theme of this blog - my thoughts from corners. It could be things and actions deliberated as form of learning and discipline, memories seen from past and favorite corners, or on desperate moments when I do find myself backed-up into a corner...